Monday, January 11, 2016

I Can't Thank You Enough

So it appears I really DID run out of words for a bit.

I've calmed down a little, but then I have moments -- frequent, frequent moments -- where I am not okay all over again. My grief and fear come out in irritability, anxiety, and more goddammits than I'd like to admit. I find myself out of patience more often than not, short with Chris (or worse, Quinn) more than I'd like, and then hard on myself for how shitty these episodes make me feel.

This weekend, Chris was out of town and our new puppy peed on the kitchen floor approximately 45 paper towels' worth of times and Quinn might be going through a growth spurt because he wants to eat all of the things all of the time. And -- oh, man -- his whininess. And my grouchiness. And and and.


Our cat is on Prozac, and this weekend, I thought of borrowing a couple of his pills for myself. (I'm joking. Kind of.)

Last night, Quinn needed help brushing his teeth, and called for me. I was moving the dog's crate into my bedroom and didn't respond immediately. My hands were full. Quinn got cranky and snapped at me a couple of seconds later, a full-on yell with a little bit of desperation in his voice: "MOM, I SAID I NEEDED HELP!!" I was already on my way to his bathroom door, showed up a second later, and asked him to remember his patience. "I'm doing the best I can, buddy."

But am I really? I yelled approximately eighteen times yesterday, exhausted and at the end of my rope and just over it.

Quinn is my mirror. These are my faults reflected back at me. Sometimes I really don't like what I see.

My resolution for 2016? Work on my patience. Breathe more. Be mindful in my relationships at home. See less of "mean mommy," who is angry and scared and prone to swearing in front of her 4-year-old, sometimes about dog pee, which is really not his fault in the slightest.

***

On the drive to my oncologist's office this morning, I listened to Diane Rehm interview Carly Simon about her memoir Boys in the Trees. Simon was talking about a song she co-wrote with her son after an argument between them in which he'd said something quite hurtful. He'd immediately followed her upstairs to apologize. She was crying, and sat down with her guitar to come up with the first verse of "I Can't Thank You Enough." When she sang it to him, he asked if he could help write the rest of it.

So of course I was a blubbering idiot driving to my doctor's office (where I'm now sitting getting my thrice-weekly infusion of Kadcyla). But this came exactly when I needed it, and might be the song I request to dance with Quinn at his wedding. In the meantime, I'll listen to it when I need a reminder to be more careful with my words...or a good cry.

14 comments:

  1. <3 We all have good days and bad days. Having stage IV breast cancer doesn't make us any less human. I hope you find a lot more happy momma! I have just been running around the house cleaning up puppy pee myself while yelling at the top of my lungs. Life, at least we get to live it! Yay! Puppy pee and all.

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    1. Yes, at least we get to live it. So true. I love you and your perspective, Mandi. XO

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  2. Remember that when we ask for patience, we get lessons. It's hard sometimes.

    My daughter now says that the important thing about my being short with her, was that when I was wrong, I said sorry.
    We can only do what we can do

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    1. I am always quick to talk to Q about how I'm learning, too, and always trying to be better, and sometimes really terrible at it! Glad to know that saying sorry stuck with your daughter so clearly -- that gives me so much comfort!

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  3. Puppies should spend most of their awake hours in their crate. When you take puppy out of the crate, immediately take him outside to "do his business".... after which give lots of praise & a little treat. Bring him back him, let him play, feed him if he needs to eat & then right back into the crate he goes. 90 minutes later repeat the routine. Soon he will head straight for the door, to go outside, the minute his crate door is opened. I used to attach the leash to our puppies' collar while the crate door was only partially opened & before the puppies were completely out of the crate. It was straight to the door-to-outside we headed!

    You've got so much going on. A puppy was probably the last thing you needed. But it is what it is.... now. Don't beat yourself up about not having patience. Perhaps that's a sign you need help. Any relatives nearby? Good friends who would help you on those weekends or days when hubby is gone?

    Remember.... don't give puppy the opportunity to pee endlessly on the kitchen floor or anywhere else for that matter. Being disciplined about the crate training will pay off after awhile. These early weeks & months are so important in the training of a dog.

    Take good care!

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    1. Thanks for the suggestions! I'm following the monks' book - the Art of Raising a Puppy, which has pretty similar suggestions. She definitely doesn't have endless opportunities to pee on the kitchen floor, but accidents still seem to happen, amazingly. ;)

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  4. I don't have answers - just words of understanding. Finding patience and kindness is difficult when we are low on our own reserves of energy (physical and mental)and time. Wishing you wellness and a break from puppy pee.

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    1. Thank you. I went to bed extra early a couple of nights, my husband came home (which somehow also straightened my 4yo's attitude right out), and all seems so much better, even after chemo on Monday.

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  5. Hello, I'm quite sure this is none of my business, but I really do agree with the last comment. You're so lovely - and Quinn is absolutely adorable - I'm sure you have many friends and hopefully family you can get support and needed help from when the hubster is away. This was way too much for you to deal with on your own. All is well that ends that way, you coped admirably, but please ask for help when you need it. I'm new here, but from an outsider's perspective you have too much on your agenda with your treatment and all to be left alone with Quinn and a puppy to housetrain. Something had to give and it was your patience. Much love, xo

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    1. I'll work on asking for more help -- thank you for the reminder. XO

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  6. I find myself getting more out of control when I expose myself to sad news, like the ones we've been getting the last few weeks. It adds a level of anxiety I am unfamiliar with, like I have anxiety, but this one comes in a form of desperation and out of control. I seem to dramatize everything when I am under that level of tension. Situations that remind me of my “possible outcome” with my illness make me nervous. I think all of this is very normal. But I cannot run away either -- it's kind of too late for that. But it is nice to take a break once in a while to catch your breath. I find this to be helpful in my situation. I hope you experience more good days than bad days. We do our best. Thank you for the song.

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    1. I think that's exactly it -- the dramatizing of everything when we're feeling that level of stress. It's not sustainable long-term, but certain times of the year seem to be especially hard. Thanks for the reminder to take a break and catch my breath. That might explain a little of my radio silence here lately. XO

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