Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Days, They Are Long

I went to a work happy hour last week. I know, I'm not even working, but there was a meeting here in Phoenix that meant a lot of my colleagues were in town from all over the country. I don't know if or when I'll go back to work, but it was so good to catch up with these people, some of whom I hadn't seen in eight months (or more). My former boss was here from Denver, and it was lovely to see her and share photos of our kids over beers.

And then I was happy to get home in time to read Quinn a bedtime story and tuck him in.

I realized I miss certain things about working in an office: the regular adult interaction, for example. But staying home with Quinn is good for my soul. As I explained to a couple of people that evening when they asked the inevitable question about me returning to work, I feel like I'm tip-toeing a fine balance right now and for the moment it's working for me. My last scan was good, my weight is up, my blood counts are mostly okay, and--most weeks--my fatigue is manageable. (Although I've had some other health issues lately, but I'm not sure I'm ready to write about that yet.) I am scared that if I were to add one more element to the mix, I'd fall off this high wire act I've got going. So my answer to them was: not yet.

Also, with the number of doctors appointments I've got every week, it wouldn't be fair to my team. I spend half the day most Mondays at or on my way to (or home from) appointments. Plus there are scans, follow up visits with my oncologist, not to mention "normal" appointments with my gynecologist, dentist, dermatologist, therapist... Plus Quinn's check-ups. It's a lot.

So I expected the question about returning to work. What I didn't expect was the question about what it is I do with my days.

I don't think the guy who asked it meant any harm, but I was caught off guard--and irritated, if I'm being honest. I sort of let the question linger, so I'm sure it became as awkward for him as it was for me. Because--how do you answer such a thing? I don't remember what I said. Probably something to the effect of, "Crazy how raising a 2-year-old can take up so much time!" Later, I thought I should have just said, "Laundry. I spend all of my time doing laundry." It feels that way some days.

This is not the first time I've gotten this question. I think most stay-at-home-parents grapple with it at some point, unfortunately. So I've been trying to give it a little thought the last few days. What do I do with my time (now that I'm not working)? I did think I'd have more free time, time to organize photos of Quinn or write or clean out my belly button lint. All of the stay-at-home-parents are laughing right now at my naiveté. I at least thought Quinn would nap.

There are my appointments. And Quinn (who does not nap, and hasn't at home for about a year). On the days he's not in school/daycare, I try to do things with him--swimming, the Children's Museum, the train park, the zoo) rather than spend my time with him cleaning the house or running errands. Then there's the aforementioned laundry. There is also sleep. We cancer patients need a lot of it. I typically get 8-9 hours per night, and I'm still fatigued. My younger self is embarrassed at my laziness, but I can't help it. This disease makes me tired.

I also try to exercise to combat the fatigue. On the days Quinn's in preschool and I don't have doctors appointments, I try to make it to yoga or on a hike.

I try to find time to write. I try to find time to be a friend. I try to find time to nurture my relationship with Chris. I try to stay present, so that I'm not anxious about my future. Because as the saying goes, the days are long but the years are short.

Why do I even feel the need to write this post? To justify what it is I do all day? Part of it is how competitive I've always been, how results-oriented, how type-A. The question about how I spend my time broke open some insecurities I've felt since I stopped working. But my insecurities these days are less about cancer winning, and more about what I'm contributing to the world.

Because I don't have much to show for my days at home, except an almost-three-year-old who challenges (and rewards) me in ways my job as a lawyer never did. I am raising a little man, which I know is as important as any career. So why do I still feel the need to prove the value in that? Why did one little question ruffle my feathers so fiercely and put me on the defensive? I'll let you know if I figure out the answer, but I'd also love to hear your thoughts.
{Quinn takes a selfie}

26 comments:

  1. A friend asked me the other day why I don't work full time. I felt much the same way as you with that need to defend.
    There is a mentality that full-time is right. Or going to work is right. I have a feeling we with stage 4 face similar work-related insecurities as those who chose to stay home for other reasons. It's not normal, that's all. But forget normal. Better to be happy, and balance, and feeling well. Move at your own pace. Go back or stay home as you see fit.

    ~Catherine

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    1. Yes, happiness and balance and wellness are key! My sister-in-law put it so succinctly: I am doing what I know is right for the people who mean the most to me.

      xo
      Jen

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    2. How can it be right to let strangers raise your children

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  2. You should read this: http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/

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    1. Another friend also sent me that after my post. I'd actually read it before, but forgotten about it. Thanks for reminding me! I think part of it, too, is how tired I am, so I feel like I'm not the *best* mother, but then, there are no awards, and I'm doing the best I can with the circumstances I've got. And I get to be with Quinn more than I would if I were working, even if I am exhausted. Hugs to you guys.

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  3. There's no one-line answer to the question "What do you do all day?" because you do a million different things. That article posted above says it all. Bravo to the people who realize that being a stay-at-home parent is a non-stop job. Keep doing what you're doing!

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    1. Thanks, L! Certainly feels like a million different things, even if many of them involve dirty dishes, clothes, or diapers ;)

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  4. dear jen,

    I can just imagine how that question seemed almost like a put-down. but here's the thing - you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. raising an active and healthy child is something no one "gets" if they aren't doing it. it's the societal mind set that traps so many people into feeling less worth if they aren't in the workplace out side of the home. the competitive and often unhealthy drive to "succeed " that makes it feel like life revolves around having a fulltime "career" defined by climbing ladders and making money. take your life at your own pace and know that your "work" , being a mom and a wife, is valued and will give you such a sense of accomplishment as you guide your sweet Quinn to a happy and secure life. and as an aside, I can't help thinking that some folks might just be envious and wish they could have your life.

    much love and light,

    karen

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    1. Beautifully said, Karen. Thank you.

      I think those who would want my life would want it without the cancer part, though ;)

      xo
      Jen

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    2. It is clear the person who would ask this question had no clear understanding of the challenges you juggle. I admire how you handle two full-time jobs: a family and cancer. Jen, I love you, and I cheer you on!!! Keep at it. You do it well.

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    4. Thanks, Sandi. I appreciate your support so very much.

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  5. I was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer shortly after my 29th birthday and now, 11 years later, I am a stay at home mom with a 3 and a 4 year old. My first thought while reading your post was people are asking when you will return to work while you're being treated for breast cancer?? And you're a mom of a small child on top of that?? Wow! Having experienced both of those life changing events (although not at the same time like you), I am in awe of your strength and perseverance. You are doing what you need to do for you and your family and that is all that matters. No one will ever know what you are going through except you. Your courage is admirable.

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    1. Thanks for your encouragement, Lisa. I always love hearing stories of women who are years past this disease. I hope my family and I get to experience that, too.

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  6. I tend to tell people "bubble baths and bon bons" all the time when I get that question, or even just to poke fun at what little everyone thinks we do. I do tell people a lot to just stop by whenever because I'm almost always home, or I tell them honestly if they need me to watch kids or do something for them I can because, you know, bubble baths... but nobody I know would ever ask just a thing seriously or take me seriously when I say it. And The Bubble Baths and Bonbons line really sets some people, those who don't understand having children, off guard and they just quit asking. They know I do more than that but I don't find the need to justify it.

    My husband used to give me crap about, actually, and then I started working the Farmer's Market on Saturday morning and after 4 hours without me each week he understands. "You didn't get anything done?" I ask. "How do you accomplish ANYTHING?!" is usually his reply.

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  7. You are building skyscrapers.....google that essay. It is even more meaningful when I tell my husband about "not getting anything done" and he reminds me that I'm building skyscrapers.

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    1. I love that idea, "building skyscrapers." I'll look for the essay--thanks.

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  8. Sometimes I feel like saying that I do what my nanny, house cleaner, painter, accountant, lawn maintainer, etc.,etc. used to do. I don't think that anyone who gets paid for these professions is questioned as to whether they "work" or not. My less cynical side : ) would probably say that I'm fortunate to spend so much time with my little ones and be their care-giver and teacher and playmate.

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    1. Yes! All of those things, and then some. And I do feel so fortunate, even on days the chemo catches up with me. I have this little human whose life I get to be a part of, and there's really no better medicine than that.

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  9. I have stood by five family members (four with the same cancer) and a few very close friends in the same period. So, understand the naive questions and personal insecurities. I'd respond as follows: "The past few years I have fought Death to a near stand still. Having regained some health, I spend what strength I have imparting life to my son." Some may suggest this is overly dramatic, but such has been your life. Said very casually and with a smile it will have impact, because it is true, and will be recognized as such.

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    1. I love this--thank you. And I'm sorry you've had to experience so much cancer in your family. It is a horrific disease.

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    2. You are welcome. The "family cold" as it was named did take it's toll and has left a mixture of consequences. The positive in it is we have wondrous stories, great empathy, less chasing after the wind, and humble recognition of the very grace of God.

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  10. I think being a lawyer turned SAHM is a particular challenge to the psyche because we are by nature competitive, type-A's, as you said. I still respond, when people ask me what I do (because I live in the DC area so that's all anyone ever asks in social situations), "I'm a lawyer but I'm home full-time with my daughter right now." I don't know why I do that! I don't even know if I'm ever going to go back to work but I feel the need to defend myself and make it sound like it's a temporary gig. Just last night when my husband came home I realized that the house was in the exact same state that it had been in when he left that morning. As if nothing had happened here all day. But SO much had happened here all day and it's almost impossible to explain what it all was. For the record, if I were you, my answer would be that I rest, watch television, read books, go to the gym and to yoga, and look on while my nanny makes meals and feeds my daughter, cleans up after her, handles the tantrums, then I play with and snuggle with my daughter when she's in her good moods ... and all of this would be a true answer. That's exactly what I would do if I were going through what you and your family have been over the last couple of years and you deserve to do that without guilt, even if it's just once in a while :)

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    1. Yes! I find myself doing that all the time--explaining that I'm a lawyer, but staying home with my son right now. I catch myself and feel silly afterward, but then the exact same words come out the next time someone asks what I do. Sometimes I wonder if it's because of all the money I spent on law school, and I feel the need to justify that? And I'm lucky if I get us out of our pajamas before lunch most days. By then, we've fought crocodiles, built forts, raced cars, and watched the construction guys building our new garage. A lot happens during these days, but getting dressed isn't always a priority. ;) Thanks for the solidarity, Kacey!

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