Who wears a wig to Pilates anyway?

Wasn't it just Christmas? Where did January go? How are the Seahawks not in the Super Bowl?

I've spent January mourning the losses in our metastatic community, trying to enjoy sleep-deprived new-puppy-parenthood, briefly visiting my brother and his family in Spokane, and making room for a few other advocacy endeavors I've got going (stay tuned!) Not to mention start-of-the-year doctors' visits, dental check-ups, and a biopsy of a weird spot on my elbow thanks to an overly-cautious dermatologist.

I haven't found much time to collect my thoughts these past few weeks. I've been waiting for my words to come back. Waiting for my anger to subside.

Related, I find, to letting go of some anger is me trying to work on my patience. It was my one resolution for 2016. As one mama put it on theglow.com:

"I wish I was better at patience. I had a lot of it when it was just River, but I physically feel my patience going throughout the day, in a way it used to not go. Sometimes I have to lock myself in a bathroom to gather it up again. And it isn't just the kids, it's life. Kids with life, it's a lot, and takes a toll on your patience. I try to think in my head a lot when I feel myself getting frazzled. It's good to just check in with my inner self and remind it that nothing is more important than the right now, so focus on right now." - honest and beautiful words from @latonyayvette which resonate deeply with all mamas as we try to be in the moment with our kids #theglow #motherhood #honesty #patience #inthemoment

A photo posted by The Glow (@theglowdotcom) on Jan 25, 2016 at 6:49pm PST

"Nothing is more important than the right now, so focus on right now." Yes, a million times this.

Last night I dreamt that I had a bad PET scan, even though I'm not due to cross that bridge for another couple of months. I dreamt that I had to start broad-spectrum chemo again, that I was losing my hair but didn't tell anyone until my friend noticed I was wearing a wig at Pilates. I woke myself up crying. Scared. Angry. Quinn was in our bed, between Chris and me, and I snuggled up against him, inhaling his little boy scent, feeling the reality of his warmth and the steadiness of his breath until I was able to steady my own. It was -- for now -- just a bad dream.

Nothing is more important than the right now, even at 3:30 in the morning. But, man, do cancer and mortality and friends dying know how to mess with a girl's subconscious. My nurse (and friend) at my infusion center tells me there's a pattern to these deaths, that she's been doing this long enough to know January is the worst. People set goals for the holidays.

In that case, I'm setting a goal for Christmas of 2074.

I hope to get back to some sort of regularity here sometime soon, but in the meantime I've been busy focusing on the right now -- busy with soccer practices and birthday parties and puppy hikes (much shorter than regular hikes) and trying to think of ways to better serve this metastatic community to which I belong. As I said, I have some things brewing. I hope they'll pan out. I hope they'll make you guys proud. Please bear with me.

Around the Web: Like Clockwork

I've been chewing my nails something fierce lately, and I haven't been able to put my finger on why (no pun intended). Then it hit me when the scheduler from my oncologist's office called this morning: I am due for my three-month scans.

Except this time I'm not having three-month scans. I got bumped to every four months, which apparently in my world is just going to mean an extra month of anxiety. My body is that well-adapted to this cycle. My brain knows just when to start acting on-edge, when nightly Xanax pills might be in order once again. After all, I've been doing this for almost four years now.

{photo credit}

It's like clockwork over here.

Except it isn't.

So now I'm all thrown off schedule, my right thumbnail is bitten to the quick, and I do have scans on the books five weeks from now. So I better figure out how to get this anxiety under control because I can't take five weeks on high alert. I will literally run out of nails.

I also made the mistake of mentioning this article from last week's round-up to my doctor by way of his assistant, and so my doctor promptly ordered a bone density scan for me. I've never had one, so this will provide a baseline. It is also, predictably, adding to my anxiety. I don't know if it's cancer, or parenthood, or just being in my mid-thirties, but my mind worries about every possible thing that could go wrong, and not just when it comes to scans (from our toaster catching fire, to getting car-jacked at a stoplight because of course, to sinkholes even though we live in Arizona not Florida. The list goes on.)

Anyhow, here's what I saw around the web this week (but I'm not asking my doctor about any of them, lest he order any more tests for me).

At Long Last, Answering Some Questions about 'Exceptional Responders'

"Silva is what researchers call an “exceptional responder,” the rare patient who has a surprising, dramatic response to a drug. . .

Silva’s story, and those of other exceptional responders, have led to an intriguing set of questions: Could researchers use technologies such as genetic sequencing to figure out what made Silva’s tumor respond to treatment? Could they mine that data for clues that might help other patients? Could they ultimately find a way to make the exceptional more routine?"

Actually, I'd happily submit to more tests if it was to figure out why I've been so lucky, why I've responded to drugs the way I have, and maybe lead to answers that could pass some of that luck on to someone else. 

Last Week it Was the Bones, This Week the Lungs?

"Scientists at the University of Edinburgh said they have discovered a “trigger” that allows breast cancer cells to spread to the lungs. . .

Prof Jeffrey Pollard, the centre’s director, said: “Our findings open the door to the development of treatments that target the tumour microenvironment, which may stop the deadly progression of breast cancer in its tracks.”"

Will the Breast Cancer Test Kit be Next to the Pregnancy Tests at the Drugstore?

"Researchers at the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology of the Medical Center -- University of Freiburg have developed an approach for detecting breast cancer by means of urine samples. The method involves determining the concentration of molecules that regulate cell metabolism and that are often dysregulated in cancer cells. These molecules, referred to as microRNAs, enter into the urine over the blood. By determining the composition of microRNAs in the urine, the scientists succeeded in establishing with 91 percent accuracy whether a test subject was healthy or diseased."

A Case of Two Steps Forward, One Step Back (Or Sideways...)

"Countering previously held beliefs, researchers at The University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center have discovered that inhibiting the immune receptor protein TLR4 may not be a wise treatment strategy in all cancers. This is because TLR4 can either promote or inhibit breast cancer cell growth depending on mutations in a gene called TP53. . .

"This looks like a promising avenue to develop drugs for the worst kinds of cancers," says Brown. "However, if we wish to target this immune pathway, we better pay attention to the TP53 status of the tumor.""

Finding Relief from Post-Mastectomy Pain

Mine is not so much pain as it is a significant tightness throughout my right pectoral muscle and armpit region (to use the anatomically correct term, I'm sure) that no amount of stretching seems to alleviate (although yoga helps tremendously). Chris, if you're reading, I think monthly spa massages would help, too.

My goal {photo credit}

"“Pain is a psychological trigger for worry about cancer recurrence,” said Julie Silver, an associate professor at Harvard Medical School who specializes in cancer rehabilitation. “Treating PMPS really helps to relieve that anxiety.”

PMPS is generally defined as nerve-related pain that persists for at least three months after breast cancer surgery, though it can take up to six months to develop. It tends to occur in the upper chest or the underside of the arm, causing pain that women often describe as burning or shooting, and it sometimes presents, as it did in my sister, as an unbearable itch."

I Might Have to Ask My Doctor About A Daily Aspirin Regimen

He can't order any tests based on a question about aspirin, can he? 

"A daily dose of aspirin may be effective at blocking breast tumour growth, Indian-origin researchers have claimed.

Dr Sushanta Banerjee, research director of the Cancer Research Unit at the Kansas City Veterans Affairs Medical Center, and his team found that aspirin may be able to ensure that conditions around cancer stem cells are not conducive for reproduction."

And How Law School May Have Led to My Cancer Diagnosis*

"“People really should elevate the importance of sleep to the same level they do diet and exercise to improve their overall health and well-being,” he said."

On that note, I'm going to bed. 

* Allegedly.

A Book Update + Some Advice from Stephen King

So far, this month has not gone as I'd planned.

Side note, sort of: I finished the first draft of my book just before Thanksgiving. A friend and former colleague helped me move parts around so that it didn't take such drastic temporal leaps. It has a flow that I think makes sense now, thanks to her input and organizational skills. I no longer repeat the same stories four separate times, thanks to her keen eye and editing efforts.

Then on the advice of Stephen King (who's been somewhat successful at writing books), I decided I was going to let my manuscript sit, untouched, for six weeks. The idea being that when I came back to it, it would be with a fresh set of eyes. In theory, I'd be ready to cut out the parts that were unnecessary (no matter how brilliantly I thought I'd written them) or add details that would help carry the story forward or fix the parts that weren't so well-written.

My plan was to spend this month, after the clamor of the holidays had quieted down, to set to work on draft number two. I would be diligent in the new year, without the distraction of present-buying or cookie-making or company-hosting. Quinn would be back at preschool after an extended holiday break, so I'd have more free time. Or so I thought.

Then, I was hit with the worst cold I've had in at least a year, and just as I was recovering, Quinn had to have surgery. My little guy needed me. Editing my memoir would have to wait until both of us were back on our feet, back to our routines, backing away from the Tinker Toys and television overload.

And there went the first two-and-a-half weeks of my year.

So that's the update on my book. It's done, sort of, but still needs some reworking in spots. I've got a meeting with my agent this week, who, if I'm lucky, won't drop me just yet for still having not completed this project. Then I'm meeting with a friend next week who's also writing a book, hers on how writing helps us heal. (Here's further proof.) My friend and I are sitting down during my chemo infusion to exchange chapters, to read and critique and (I hope) praise each other's work. Please wish me luck.

Another friend recently wrote me that she doesn't set new year's resolutions so much as new year's goals, the idea being that an aspiration is somehow more achievable -- maybe because the idea of it is more approachable? -- than a strict resolution. If that's true, my goal of the early part of this year is to wrap up this project, perhaps tie it in twine, send it on its way, and pray my agent is able to find a publisher.

{1, 2, 3}

In the meantime (or when I'm looking for inspiration), I recently read this, just started this, and am waiting on this, which was written by my sorority sister and friend Amelia, and is available for pre-order now. Amelia's book is bound to be as clever and poignant and hilarious as her blog. Go get yourself a copy! Or let me know what books you're reading lately. We'll start a club and discuss over some wine. Because another thing Stephen King told me is: "If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others; read a lot and write a lot." Hey, at least I'm still finding (a teensy bit of) time to read.