Who wears a wig to Pilates anyway?

Wasn't it just Christmas? Where did January go? How are the Seahawks not in the Super Bowl?

I've spent January mourning the losses in our metastatic community, trying to enjoy sleep-deprived new-puppy-parenthood, briefly visiting my brother and his family in Spokane, and making room for a few other advocacy endeavors I've got going (stay tuned!) Not to mention start-of-the-year doctors' visits, dental check-ups, and a biopsy of a weird spot on my elbow thanks to an overly-cautious dermatologist.

I haven't found much time to collect my thoughts these past few weeks. I've been waiting for my words to come back. Waiting for my anger to subside.

Related, I find, to letting go of some anger is me trying to work on my patience. It was my one resolution for 2016. As one mama put it on theglow.com:

"I wish I was better at patience. I had a lot of it when it was just River, but I physically feel my patience going throughout the day, in a way it used to not go. Sometimes I have to lock myself in a bathroom to gather it up again. And it isn't just the kids, it's life. Kids with life, it's a lot, and takes a toll on your patience. I try to think in my head a lot when I feel myself getting frazzled. It's good to just check in with my inner self and remind it that nothing is more important than the right now, so focus on right now." - honest and beautiful words from @latonyayvette which resonate deeply with all mamas as we try to be in the moment with our kids #theglow #motherhood #honesty #patience #inthemoment

A photo posted by The Glow (@theglowdotcom) on Jan 25, 2016 at 6:49pm PST

"Nothing is more important than the right now, so focus on right now." Yes, a million times this.

Last night I dreamt that I had a bad PET scan, even though I'm not due to cross that bridge for another couple of months. I dreamt that I had to start broad-spectrum chemo again, that I was losing my hair but didn't tell anyone until my friend noticed I was wearing a wig at Pilates. I woke myself up crying. Scared. Angry. Quinn was in our bed, between Chris and me, and I snuggled up against him, inhaling his little boy scent, feeling the reality of his warmth and the steadiness of his breath until I was able to steady my own. It was -- for now -- just a bad dream.

Nothing is more important than the right now, even at 3:30 in the morning. But, man, do cancer and mortality and friends dying know how to mess with a girl's subconscious. My nurse (and friend) at my infusion center tells me there's a pattern to these deaths, that she's been doing this long enough to know January is the worst. People set goals for the holidays.

In that case, I'm setting a goal for Christmas of 2074.

I hope to get back to some sort of regularity here sometime soon, but in the meantime I've been busy focusing on the right now -- busy with soccer practices and birthday parties and puppy hikes (much shorter than regular hikes) and trying to think of ways to better serve this metastatic community to which I belong. As I said, I have some things brewing. I hope they'll pan out. I hope they'll make you guys proud. Please bear with me.

Where to Turn for Help After a Cancer Diagnosis

I've got a few things brewing over here, including an event that's taking Quinn and me to New York City next week (more on that to come) and the fact that I sent my completed manuscript to my agent last week (!!!) I'm excited to share all of this with you guys as it unfolds, and I hope with every ounce of my being that what I'm doing -- all of it -- is of service to the metastatic breast cancer community.

{here's a hint about our NYC trip}

As part of one of these initiatives, I was on the phone the other day with a woman who's working on a story about living with metastatic breast cancer for October, that loaded month, and she asked me whether I felt there had been enough resources and support services when I was first diagnosed.

Um, NO, is the quick answer.

But it got me thinking that I should write about the resources that have emerged and what I've found useful, in case it might help someone else out there. Have any to add? Please leave a note in the comments!

• One major source of information was Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book,* which is now in its sixth iteration. I especially appreciate that this new edition includes an updated chapter on metastatic disease that offers some hope for emerging therapies and longevity. This book has been called "the bible for women with breast cancer," with good reason. When I was first diagnosed, I wanted to know as much as possible about the cancer inside of me, without the fear that can be brought on by "Dr. Google." Here was my answer, clearly laid out in the pages of this easy-to-read book. Fully indexed and written for the layperson, Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book takes a comprehensive look at breast cancer prevention, staging, treatments, pathology, and emerging research. In a field where new information is always emerging, this book offers a treasure trove of the latest data.

• I have a love/hate relationship with support groups, both online and in-person. I love the potential of what they have to offer, but participating in them can be an emotional roller coaster. After all, you get close to people and in many cases, you have to face their worsening health or death. For awhile after my first course of treatment -- and every once in awhile since then -- I need a break to let my emotions recover a bit. When I was first diagnosed, a friend referred me to the Young Survival Coalition's Facebook support group. At the time, it was both a treasure trove of other women who were going through the same treatments as I was and a place where I didn't feel I completely fit in because there weren't many women with metastatic disease (fortunately). In the last four-plus years, I think YSC has done more to support metsters, but other groups targeted at young women with Stage 4 breast cancer have also emerged on social media. If you want to be added, find/message me on Facebook (link from the button on my blog). Note that there are fairly strict privacy rules on these boards. 

• Speaking of social media, you may have heard me mention the Twitter chat with the hashtag #bcsm. This takes place on Monday nights at 6 PM Pacific / 9 EST. Topics range from the invisible scars of breast cancer to parenting with cancer to how to change the conversation around metastatic breast cancer. The chat is for all stages and ages, but is an excellent way to share information and find support. 

• I have mentioned before how lucky I am to have the health insurance and access to care that I do, but I know everyone isn't so fortunate. I do think that the Affordable Care Act has made significant strides in ensuring access to care. I, for one, am relieved that I can't be denied insurance despite my poor health history. For assistance with co-pays and drug costs, check with the drug company providing your drugs. I know Genentech, the company that makes Kadcyla, has patient assistance programs to offer reduced-cost drugs to patients whose insurance doesn't cover the cost.**

• On a similar note, the reason I walk in the Avon 39 Walk to End Breast Cancer every year is because of the programs they fund to provide everything from free screenings to women who can't afford them to meals to people who've been diagnosed with cancer. Obviously, services will vary depending on where in the country you are, but here are a few national organizations:
• Cleaning for a Reason: "Our mission is to give the gift of free house cleaning for women undergoing treatment for any type of cancer. Our goal is to let these brave and strong women focus on their health and treatment while we focus on, and take away the worry and work of, cleaning their homes– free of charge." I reached out to this service early on in my treatment and they didn't have any partnered cleaning companies in Phoenix/Scottsdale, but they may be worth a try in your area.
• Look Good/Feel Better: Because sometimes a little blush does make it easier to face the day.
• Little Pink Houses of Hope: Offering family beach vacations/retreats for people directly affected by breast cancer.
• First Descents: If you're feeling adventurous, First Descents offers surfing, rock climbing, white water rafting, and ice climbing (!!) trips for cancer survivors.

• Other national organizations offer links to local support services. For example, the American Cancer Society has a location-specific searchable database for everything from free wigs to counseling/therapy. Living Beyond Breast Cancer is another excellent source of information, including a search function for clinical trials specific to metastatic breast cancer. 

• Finally, I have heard excellent things about the Livestrong Foundation's fertility services, for those of us who've lost ours to cancer and/or cancer treatments.

What resources do you wish there were more of? What have you found especially useful? What have I left off this list?? And PLEASE let me know if you've gone on a surfing trip and/or family retreat -- I'd love to hear how that went!

* Dr. Love recently provided me with a free copy of this 6th edition, but I already had the 4th edition on my bookshelf. All opinions on the book are my own.

** One of my best friends works for Genentech, but I have not talked to her (or the company) about this post.

Hair Update, and a Plan

The last time I mentioned my hair here, it was February and I was bidding farewell to my winter mullet. Not much has changed with my hair since then. I've purposely kept it short, enjoying the relative easiness of this style and not having any hair on my neck when the forecast looks like this:

It goes on like that ad infinitum, except the lows start creeping up into the 90s and then we all spontaneously combust. I literally found a fried egg on our back deck the other day. I assume it was a bird that committed suicide rather than be born in Phoenix right now? On that note, I should probably let the cat in for the night.

I got a text from my friend Alana the other day, letting me know that her daughter, my goddaughter Grace, was in the process of cutting off several inches of hair for Locks of Love in my honor. Grace is nine. Hair is abundantly important to most pre-teen girls. This was no small thing, I realized. And my eyes immediately welled up with tears, I was so moved by this beautiful child's gesture.

Inspired by Grace, I made a decision that I'd try to grow my hair out to do the same again. It's what I did with my hair when I initially cut it off for chemo nearly three years ago, and it might take me another three years to grow it long enough to donate enough to help make someone's wig. But it is a small thing I can do (assuming the stars align and remission stays with me).

Between now and then, get ready for the awkward phase between pixie and bob. I have a feeling I'm going to be investing in buckets of bobby pins in the coming months. I'll keep you all posted through it all, of course.